Arcadia England

Yesterday was Time to Talk Day in the UK, an annual event that encourages us to open up to one another about mental health. Last year we hosted a morning coffee event to mark Time to Talk Day, but of course, like everything else, the pandemic has made this impossible this year. 

In the past we have posted a lot about looking after your mental health during the pandemic or when studying abroad. But what about supporting your friends? Struggling with your mental health can make you feel very alone. Many people with mental health issues isolate themselves, believing that they are a burden to others, that nobody else can possibly understand what they’re going through, or simply feel they cannot face interacting with others. These feelings are often cemented by those around them not knowing what to say, or perhaps even finding the person comes across as snappy or over-sensitive, so keeping their distance, which makes things even worse. But for those who are struggling, a kind word, gesture or offer of support can make a world of difference. In an extreme situation it could even save a life.

So, how do we support our friends and family? Here are a few tips from mental health organisations in the UK.

Ask: “how are you?” 

OK, so this sounds obvious, but it’s amazing how often people are scared to ask someone how they are if they know the person is struggling with their mental health. Those of us with mental health issues are very aware that there is still a level of fear or stigma surrounding it, and to be asked if we’re OK (even if we give a dishonest “fine, thanks!” answer) can mean the world.

Small gestures have a big impact

You are not a mental health professional, and even if you were, you wouldn’t have the power to change the world! But small gestures can have a huge impact. If someone was suffering from a physical health problem you wouldn’t be able to cure them, but you might send them flowers, offer to help with shopping, or other gestures that could provide both practical support but also let them know you were thinking about them. Even taking someone for a coffee could give them some small respite in an otherwise bleak day.

Be non-judgemental and respectful

It’s important to be open and to offer support even if you’re worried about saying the wrong thing. However, language is important. It’s easy to come across as judgemental, or to seem like you’re minimising a person’s problems, without meaning to. While you shouldn’t let the fear of saying the wrong thing stop you reaching out to a friend, here are a few things to be aware of:

• Don’t tell the person there are others worse off than them. That’s not how life works. If someone is unwell with a curable cancer you don’t tell them to stop moaning because there are people with cancers that have a lower survival rate! Knowing someone else is worse off rarely makes us feel better - if anything, it can make us feel guilty for feeling low in the first place, which makes things worse!
• Be careful of judgemental language like “commit suicide” or “you admitted to feeling depressed.” Mental illness is not a crime! Similarly, you should never talk about self-harm, suicide or other actions as a “cry for help” or say things like “they didn’t really mean it”. You never know what another person is feeling and should not minimise their pain.
• Other well-meaning suggestions can make someone with mental health issues feel like you’re belittling their experience or that you’re somehow accusing them of failure for not being able to manage their mental health. I remember seeing an advertisement that said “Nature is my antidepressant”, implying that if we all just went for walks in the countryside our problems would miraculously disappear, and seeming to disparage those of us who rely on medication. While exercise, nature and many other things can indeed help us maintain positive mental health, they’re part of an arsenal of measures, not a cure-all.
• Time to Change has produced a useful guide to language and mental health

Don’t define the person by their mental health problem

A friend of mine felt very hurt when she found she was being left out of things. When she finally plucked up the courage to confront her friends about it, they said they had not wanted pressure her into attending things as they knew she would not want to come. By trying to do the right thing they had inadvertently done the wrong thing! Don’t treat someone differently and certainly don’t exclude them because you know they have mental health problems - gently continue to include them, because even if they say no every time, you will have made them feel wanted.

Offer support, but don’t get in over your head

Gently suggest the person seeks professional support. For example, you could remind them about university counselling service of helplines. It’s important that a person gets professional help if they are very unwell. For example, if someone is suicidal, DO NOT try to deal with this yourself! They need to go to a hospital - seek help for them immediately. If you are worried for someone you can also approach Arcadia staff and ask them for help so that they can intervene.

Look after yourself

It can be hard supporting someone who is unwell, whether with mental or physical health, and it’s important you take care of yourself too. Talk to someone about how you’re feeling and make time for yourself.

Mind has some great resources on supporting others. There are some great tips on starting a conversation, and helpline and others resources, listed at Mentalhealth.org.uk